How To Rebuild Your Self-Worth After Losing Everything
This is how I did it
Just over 6 years ago, in the matter of months, I lost basically everything I owned.
2 Houses
A Nightclub
My Porsche
A Restaurant
Unfortunately for me, my identity was heavily tied to those material possessions, too.
Needless to say, I was completely lost. I felt like a failure, and my confidence plummeted.
While I’m still a work in progress (we all are), I feel better than ever about myself and am continuing to improve.
I want to share with you what worked when I was rebuilding my self-worth and shifting it from being tied to possessions to who I am.
Step 1: Take a look at the reality
When you lose everything, it is very easy to be extremely hard on yourself. You start to look at your mistakes and wonder how you could have been so dumb.
The truth is, as with any mistake… You made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had. You need to accept this, figure out what lessons to take away, and then move on.
What is reality telling you?
Now that you lost everything, what do you actually have left?
You need to shift the framing from what you lost to what you still have. Because you will need to figure out where you are starting from.
If you really lost everything, then the only thing you have left is yourself.
And that is the perfect place to get to work.
Step 2: Ask yourself, who are you really?
Since you have to work on yourself, it is vital to figure out who you actually are.
Are you really the failure you paint yourself out to be in your head? Or are you someone who did their best, missed their shot, but still has the skills, determination, and network?
Take a paper and write down the following:
Your positive personality traits
Things you have accomplished
People in your life who matter the most
The things you love and the things you are good at
Writing these things down will let you know where you can find confidence and give you a good idea of a direction to head in next.
You may have lost everything, but no one and nothing can take away these things. You have plenty going for you, even if you are in a negative headspace right now.
Give yourself the love you deserve, but still make this self-examination thorough.
Step 3: Who do you want to be?
If there is any upside to losing everything, it is that you have a blank slate to rebuild from.
When I lost everything, I was known as a party guy. I was a club promoter and owned a nightclub. I felt like I was stuck as that forever.
So, I used this misfortune as an opportunity to redesign myself.
I always wanted to be “wise”. (Think Gandalf, Yoda and Uncle Iroh.) So, I started to read.
I valued being in good physical shape. So, I cut down on drinking, worked out more, and ate healthier.
I wanted to prove to myself that I could run other types of businesses. So, I started to learn about other industries and found work in them.
You can literally be whoever you want to be. Now is your chance.
While you want to keep in mind what you are good at, you can also learn new skills. Maybe now is the time to learn a new language, trade, or instrument.
Use the same paper and write down the following:
What would make you feel fulfilled
Things you’ve always wanted to learn
Your dream life/persona (Where you live, what kind of person you are)
This step is going to be a lot harder than you might think. It will require diving deep.
Step 4: Start building
The beauty about finishing the first 3 steps is that you now have a solid picture of what to do day after day.
Those who have strong missions in life simply have to wake up each day and build.
For example, think of Elon Musk wanting to go to Mars. Each day he does whatever he can to build towards that mission.
Dana White said on a podcast recently that once he knew UFC was the thing he wanted to build, all he had to do was build. That direction helped him focus and eventually become successful.
In order to be successful, you need to know what success is to you.
To know what success is to you, you need to know who you are, where you came from, and where you want to go.
The rest is just problem-solving.
And worst-case scenario, I bet AI can help you with a lot of that.
Step 5: Count the wins
Losing everything will crush your confidence. Admittedly, even 6 years later, I still notice some lapses in my confidence.
Like I said, forever a work in progress.
To combat this and to rebuild your confidence, you need to count your wins. Especially the small ones.
You need to reason with yourself that not only are you making progress, but you are a winner.
Did you lift more in the gym?
Did you run at a faster pace than yesterday?
Did you get a job promotion, raise, or new client?
Did someone tell you they love you or give you a nice compliment?
It could even be as small as the fact that you got a good haircut. This means you can literally buy a win when you are losing!
Whatever it takes!
To wrap it up
If it means anything, I’m sorry you lost everything. It is an awful experience that makes you question reality and your identity. I feel for you.
The good news is, things will get better, even when it feels like they won’t.
What you need to do is all that you can do.
And all that you can do is focus on your controllables.
In other words, yourself.
Thanks for reading.